Day 19,057 - Broken again

I thought the penalty for overdoing things this week had been paid in full by the way my body was punishing me yesterday. I badly underestimated the seriousness of my situation.

I awoke today with possibly THE most brutal anxiety and panic attack I think I’ve ever experienced. I totally broke down and for about an hour I sobbed in front of my wife - again.

Here’s what I’ve learned

I have to take these episodes as lessons, because if I can’t figure out what not to do next time then I’m just going to have to experience it again and again.

Expert advice

When I was told to pace myself, those experts actually knew what they were talking about. Pacing myself doesn’t include 3 hour deep dive sessions on website SEO, learning from scratch or listing 25 pieces of art on my website - it means doing those things in short 30 minute bursts with many hours of doing nothing in between.

Even though I was actually excited and happy to be creative again - just like the old days - I was still inadvertently pumping my nervous system with adrenaline and cortisol. That had the same devastating effect as when I’m anxious and in full panic. It’s a cruel reality to discover that I can’t even allow myself to be excited about doing the things which (used to) bring me the most joy, without breaking myself even more.

I learned that my nervous system’s buffer has completely gone now. There’s no safety net to catch me when I push past my limited energy levels, no reserve tank to tap into when I need it.

In reality, my nervous system is doing the most humane thing it can - shutting me down so I don’t drive off the cliff - because the old me would, in his attempt to find the energy to continue past my quite obvious point of no return.

The financial nightmare

I’m facing an extremely harsh reality - I’m not physically or mentally able to return to my old way of life. GOOD!!!! I hear my nervous system shout in my ears…

I can’t live the rest of my life without any income and I’m not capable of a massive career pivot at my age, with this much health related baggage. I have to find some way to make my living from my art, design, photography, crafts or even writing, without those very things I love so dearly keeping me in a permanent state of burnout.

It’s a conundrum I’m struggling to find a solution for at the moment and that’s causing more friction as the next credit card payments loom closer without any way to pay them.

I would dearly love to be given the opportunity to take some time off so that my body and mind can heal. If I could cover my outgoings somehow, even if I had nothing left at the end, but I wasn’t having to borrow any more, the relief would be life changing.

So, here I sit, typing into the void again, hoping the miracle comes soon…